Nudist Colony? Anyone…??

I did the worst thing imaginable the other night. I mean, I did something horrible and offensive and just plain dumb. I did something that would make Joan of Arc throw in her sword and shield and opt for a telemarketer job.

I TRIED ON A BATHING SUIT! (Audible gasps and panic ensues)

I have lost over 250 pounds, I have been working out and I can actually feel some muscle developments (ok, the muscles may be located within my finger joints…but it is something)! So, I was at Target and I thought, “why not?” I deserve this! I imagined how amazing it would be. I had the whole scenario in my head. I would slowly turn around, wind blowing my hair, and behold the image in front of me.

I just didn’t count on the imagee making me stifle a scream (or my daughter complaining about blowing my hair with her mouth).

OK, I have lost 250 pounds. But when you lose that amount, your skin cannot just pop back into the shape you once had. All of that loose and hanging skin has to go somewhere, or does it? Nope – it doesn’t! It just sits there and hangs. Looking at you with a smirk. You thought you were doing well with your arm weights, well BAM! there’s some hanging armpit skin to snap you back into place. You thought you had lost belly fat? Well BAM! Here is a flap of loose skin that could block the sun off a small community.

Seriously though people, I was tucking like I was working at a Build-A-Bear store.

So I angrily threw the bathing suits on the floor and marched out of the dressing room, telling the attendants that there was seriously something wrong with their mirror – it belonged in a fun house.

I headed to the Starbucks inside Target. I wanted to order 2 cake pops and just be done with it. I could remove the bathing suit sight with every bit of sugary gooey goodness. Right?

I knew I wouldn’t do it. I wanted to buy something horrible for me to ease my emotions. However, I got an unsweetened tea and sat down to evaluate my situation. I dropped my money on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When I did, I realized how easily I could bend over and touch the floor.  OK, I get it, the cosmic forces were teaching me a lesson. And I get it.

I sat down and thought about this excess skin. I don’t need to hide away, I have done that my whole life. I am not that person anymore. My body is not and never will be perfect. Some of it is because of the way I have treated it over the years and some of it is wear and tear (nursing 3 babies doesn’t help). But it is mine.  I am responsible for this beautiful shell that keeps my feelings intact.

I will not shy away from my body.

It is a beautiful thing I am doing. I am losing weight and taking care of myself. Others may not know my struggle and they may just see the skin. I see so much more. I see a woman who had enough and reclaimed her life and her body. That excess skin is there to remind me of what a tremendous journey I am on.

This journey is not easy. There will be times when I get knocked down, times when I need to get extra support, times when reality kicks my stability to the ground. But there will also be many more times of quality days with my family, tears of joy at the doctor’s scale, walks with my husband and realizing I AM worth this struggle and I CAN do it.

So watch out swimsuit companies…I may just become a nudist!

 

Numbers Don’t Lie…Or Do They?

So – I weighed 255 at the end of January and now it is March. I weighed in January because that was my last doctor’s visit, that’s how I know my weight.

I only weigh at the doctor’s office, never on scales at home. Why? Because my whole life has revolved around that scale. People always say:

“Don’t weigh yourself every day!”

But I did. Every time I started a new diet, the scale became my obsession. Every morning, I would remove all clothing and jewelry and I would shave…just in case those hairs weigh more than we realize. I would then step on the scale and the cycle would begin.

“I gained a pound yesterday, I will not eat any meals today and just drink water

“I have weighed the same for the past 2 weeks, something is wrong, I am just giving up!”

The number on that scale dictated my self-worth. The number on that scale told me whether I was a failure or a success. The number on that scale decided for me if I would get dressed and go out into the world that day.

I can remember in elementary school when they would weigh and measure the students, I would dread this day more than anything. I would try to get in the back of the line so no one could hear my weight. That was at 12 years old!! For over 40 years, I have let a scale tell me who I am.

When I got to my heaviest, I avoided the scale like the plague (is that politically correct to say?). I even avoided the doctor because I knew the first thing they would say was “let’s get your weight”.  I didn’t need to go to the doctor, I knew I was obese. I knew everything that was wrong with me was because of my weight.

So in 2017, when I got on the scale at the doctor’s and weighed 478 pounds, I knew I had to face some facts.

I changed everything in my life. My eating, my sleeping, my exercise and my attitude. I also changed the way I weigh (like that?).  I would not let myself become a scale victim. I decided to only weigh at the doctor’s office every 3-4 months. When people would ask, “How much have you lost?” I was able to say “I don’t really know.” The number was not what was important. The fact that I was getting my life back was the most important thing to me.

So numbers do lie. The scale numbers may tell you that you can’t do it. Those numbers may cause you to ridicule and judge yourself, but you are so much more than that number. Just like I am. Just like every person is.

So if you want to make a change, do it for you. You are beautiful, you are worth the effort and you are definitely more than a number. It may not happen overnight (she said TWO YEARS LATER!) but it will be worth every bit of work you put into it.

Make that change.

 

Positively Charged!

When I was growing up, my father was a HUGE Zig Ziglar and Positive Mental Attitude fan. He was also a bit of a latent hippie. It was the ’70’s and we rode around in a Volkswagen Bus with different colored flower stickers all over it. So, yeah, as a young girl being dropped off at school…well, it could be pretty embarrassing. Plus, when he would drop us off at school, he would park in the front and make us repeat a Paul J. Meyer quote:                                          

“Whatever I can vividly imagine,  ardently desire,  sincerely believe and enthusiastically act upon must inevitably come to pass.”

Now, yes, there was a car line. And no, he would not let us out of the bus until we had repeated the quote word for word. Very embarrassing! I just knew the cutest guy in class was sitting in a car behind this blinged out VW bus watching me just sit in the passenger seat.

Jump ahead 43 years and I can still repeat that quote word for word. So can my children. It has helped me through so many difficult tasks in my life. In fact, two years ago at 460 pounds, when I decided to do something about my life…that was the first thing I wrote in my journal. And it is the first affirmation I say to myself every morning. 

After all these years, I have realized something. My father was pretty smart. At my lowest, when I thought there was no hope for me…I could still vividly imagine myself being able to walk through the mall with my daughter without losing breath and having to sit. I ardently desired to be in a more healthy body, oh did I ardently desire this! And then those last two: sincerely believe and enthusiastically act upon. 

After failing at so many diets and so many attempts to exercise, how could I possibly sincerely believe I could do this. And tell an overweight person to enthusiastically cut back on the carbs and see what happens. It won’t be pretty, trust me.

But Paul J. Meyer knew something that I did not know. Once I start imagining and desiring, then the “believing” and “acting upon” fell right into place. The more I saw myself being below 400 pounds and wanting that, the more I began to move and to eat differently. At 400 pounds, I began imaging 350, then 300, then 250 and now I am seeing myself at 200 pounds and going strong.

And a funny thing happened along the way, I began to stop hating myself. I stopped blaming my weight on my situation. I spent more time outside with my daughter. I traveled. And I SAT IN THE MIDDLE ROW FOR A PLAY (a really huge deal for a person who used to spill over the seat).

So when my father was trying to instill some positive thoughts into the mind of a 12 year old child, I doubt he ever thought that it would save that child’s life 40+ years later.

But it did. 

 

 

 

In One Year and Out The Other!

It’s that time of year, yup, you know what I am talking about. THE NEW YEAR! 2019 and New Year’s resolutions!

The gym memberships quadruple and all the salad foods are missing in the grocery store! I couldn’t find a parking place thins morning at the Y. I actually did my warm up by walking from the parking spot all the way to the Y door (I was going to take an Uber to the door, but..well…).

I walked into the gym and saw people every where. It was very nice to have people to talk to while i was ellipticalling (I am sure that is a word). Although, the people I was talking to did not seem too thrilled to be hearing about my latest adventures with our new dog. I guess I was so enthralling with my story that everyone wanted to hear it, because at least 10 different people got on the elliptical beside me and then got off almost immediately. They must have been wanting to make sure everyone had a chance to hear my stories! Right??

Seriously though, I was looking at all the new people at the gym and couldn’t help but get excited. Everyone is starting new and fresh. A clean slate. Those that overate during the holidays with the promise to themselves that they would “start exercising in January” were there this morning working it off.

It is always thrilling to start a new adventure in your life.  You feel excited, you feel unstoppable, you cannot wait to see what this change will bring to your life during the next year. And then it happens. The change isn’t as exciting and it becomes harder and it doesn’t seem worth it and that cheeseburger and fries were looking really good on that billboard.

Don’t let your New Year’s resolution become just a January resolution. Stay motivated! Don’t give in to temptation! Do get up another hour earlier to get that walk in. I know what you are thinking, “yea, that’s easy to say BUT…” I know all the reasons why you CAN’T keep up the commitment. I have used them all: my kids are sick, I don’t feel good, I can’t possibly maintain a house and exercise, my mom needs me, the cat ate my 1980’s leotard and legwarmers. Yup – I have used them all.

But I realized something about a year and a half ago. These excuses were for me, not for other people. I was trying to justify to myself why I wasn’t keeping up with my diet and with my workouts. Other people really don’t care if I am eating right or if I am on the elliptical or if I am at home watching “Judge Judy” reruns. I am the one that it bothered, that is why I always had a convenient excuse in my back pocket.

Until you want to make a change, it won’t happen. We have all heard that and yes, it’s true. But if you are in the middle of making a change to your life, I am going to tell you something that makes it  HELLA easy.

Surround yourself with support.

And not just any support. I didn’t lose over 225 pounds by chatting online with an agent from AT&T. I opened every door of my life and let the beautiful people in. The people who wanted to see me succeed, the people who believed I could succeed, the people who didn’t sabotage or discourage me. And it made it much more bearable. It wasn’t easy, but I had a net of support to fall into if I needed to.

If you don’t feel like you have this support – reach out to me! I am an EXCELLENT supporter!